March 20th, 2002

Kolkhoznitsa

(no subject)

apparently there are still some parts of mind that have not realized that it is over. i woke up this morning, surprised by the fact. maybe i was having one of those inverted nightmares, dwelling in the past. i fear the day when even the most obscure nooks of my soul perceive the situation. on the other hand it took only 15 minutes and i felt comfortable again.

MW rang me yesterday. it was a blessing to hear her voice. we were romantically involved (if you can call marriage this) almost exactly 8 years ago. now she is one of those friends i only talk to a couple of times a year. and it always feels like it was yesterday (which happens to be the situation with all my friends).

i may pay her a visit soon, spend a weekend in the bush. i still have not met her son. she seems to have become even more of a kind, strong and independent woman than she was before. i am so jealous of her boyfriend. he is a close friend of nina persson of 'the cardigans' and has seen diamanda gals in concert.

then ML called me. she was deeply depressed again, not even her medication helps anymore. poor girl. she is smart, talented and pretty (for a blonde) but her emotional life is even more fucked up than mine. at least i am aware of where my feelings of inferiority come from, she can only blame herself.
  • Current Music
    lambretta - bimbo (or whatever they play on the radio)
Kolkhoznitsa

(no subject)

i just had a most confusing convo with her. wanted to know if she was doing all right after our break up. somehow she saw my question as an attempt find out about her relation to some guy. and something much worse - her suspicion that knowing she has been suffering would give me some kind of satisfaction. for fuck's sake, i care about her. it is so insulting when she sees my as a vindictive prick.

she is surrounded by men who make her heart beat faster. and if she has not sought consolation in their arms already, it is only a matter of time. as if my knowing the name of that bloke would change anything. the point is i am not that 'him' she refers to talking to her friends. something that bothers me less for every day.

she hang up on me and i am not sure how to interpret her brusque reaction. i want so badly to be her friend, i miss the magic she radiates, the magic i have become blind to. she is not an ordinary girl and i hate seeing her as such. i saw her magic even before i fell in love with that girl, so i know it was not a product of my love doped imagination.
  • Current Music
    kalle compiling in sablotron into php on linux
Kolkhoznitsa

(no subject)

for christ's sake, kalle compile that fucking apache server soon. i want to go home before midnight :((
  • Current Music
    some euro techno shit on the radio