March 21st, 2002

Kolkhoznitsa

(no subject)

talked to her again. i can stay pretty calm otherwise, being a virgo can have its advantages. but when she is there in front of me, all my armour flakes off.. she doesn't want to go on with us being friends. must have time to come over me, she says. of course i wonder if her love is not all gone..

it would be the most pathetic and evil activity one could imagine indulging in. how many karma point love euthanasia will give? now not even friendship is possible for her. maybe i have been too successful in suppressing my feelings for her. i actually came to believe i was over her. the punishment is even more pain in moments like this.

i am too fucking proud to tell her how much this is going to affect me. probably love is not the problem for her anymore. she most likely wants to escape the discomfort of being reminded of the feelings prior to our break up. of course she is right, it was my firm conviction that we cut off our contacts. which i did. which i could not go on with when she spoke to me again. god, i am such a loser. with my personality my next reincarnation will most certainly be a dog.
  • Current Mood
    crushed
Kolkhoznitsa

(no subject)

last night i spent at work, drudging to 6 am. i like the state sleep deprivation puts me in. even if thinking almost hurts, my emotions become easier to handle and dreams that come to me when i finally fall asleep are usually delightful. not this time though. i woke up after a couple of hours, with all my feelings painfully naked, longing to be restrained by my logical mind. after that only nightmares would come to me, one of them about me buying prada shirts.

i deleted her from my icq list. again. this time not in anger or distress. if i only cleaned my apartment as often as my list.. she has been reading this journal. i wanted her too, i still consider her one of my friends, even if we don't talk for the moment. i wonder if she was offended by the contents, seeing somebody she loved in this awkward state of self-pity must be filling her with disgust. it would have been more honest of her if she told me so.

i do not really like myself at present. i feel weak and vulnerable. but i have realized that it is the price i have to pay for retaining my ability to feel. going back to cynicism and indifference is tempting, i admit, and i have made small excursions in that direction. but it is out of the question. i would rather stay skinless and ridiculous in my sorrow than make a black hole in my soul denying the pain. it takes much more strength and courage but it is inevitable if i want to keep my ability to stay in touch with my soul.

this time i will let the pain have its way. i will not be this cynical, sarcastic prick again.
  • Current Mood
    determined