May 24th, 2002

Kolkhoznitsa

(no subject)

i never expected it would happen so soon. it began two weeks ago. at first i misinterpreted the feeling. i thought it was temporary, a momentary fluctuation. it was supposed to be eternal but now i cannot deny it any longer, love is leaving my life. it has been like a conscience expanding drug, i could see and feel things i wasn't aware of before and now i'm losing it again. much of the beauty that i could relate to is becoming incomprehensible again. i feel no pain, only sadness over my lost capability.
i haven't lost it all, and hopefully won't. that love changed so many aspects of my life i wouldn't be able to go back to who i was, the track is overgrown.

it was good to know celia had been feeling the same way. we can leave it without hard feelings, nobody's hurt or bitter. we can remain friends, sharing pieces of beauty like we always have. she made me get a copy of virginia woolf's 'the waves', it's the closest i can get to experiencing lovelike beauty at the moment. thank you, ceal. for everything.
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