.kuba (lotophagous) wrote,

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i have been a naughty boy. lying to your friends is serious enough, lying to yourself is inexcusable. i really thought the pain was over. last Saturday was a bliss, i felt free from all feelings i had had for C. but Sunday was one big relapse. in my defence i can say that i still do not know the nature of those feelings, i could only perceive a burning sensation. as so many times before i almost unconsciously started denying it, fighting it with all my mental powers.

the pain was gone, but the process left me numb, cynical and detached, unable to be sensible of the joy and beauty in the world around me. i must understand that feeling this way is not a weakness, au contraire it takes guts to indulge oneself in pain in despair. i do not want to be free from pain at the cost of losing my sensitivity again.

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