.kuba (lotophagous) wrote,

i will miss her badly. again.

last week was filled with words of desperate affection and cautious dreams. we stopped denying our love for a moment. even if we still were friends, there was hope that we would meet one day soon and examine our chances.

until tonight. surrounded by borrowed beauty we discovered that insecurity, pride, possessiveness and fear will make us take actions that dash our hope for even a foretaste of worldly togetherness. and it does not make feel better that this time i am the one who buries this love alive.

nothing really happened, our status has not changed. except for the dreams of reconciliation. i am aware of my banal obstinacy, sacrificing the most beautiful love i have ever experienced, but i must be faithful to myself. i cannot bite the bullet now and let myself destroy whatever we may build up one day.

i am being selfish, refusing her knowledge and experience i have had for ages. forcing on her my own views and values. i am behaving like a hurt, idealistic 17 yo boy with no connection with reality. but there is no other way i can deal with it.

i love her.

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