.kuba (lotophagous) wrote,
.kuba
lotophagous

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today sucked less. since last tuesday i have been forgetting her. 'lasciate ogni speranza'.. i have learned by trial and, mostly, error to kill that cocky hope that refuses to abandon my mind. not so much about the future, she will not change her mind. but hoping that things could have taken another turn if i only.. like last wednesday when i removed her from my friend list on yahoo, convinced that a clean, fast cut would make it easier for us. she was trying to contact me, thinking that i could read her messages and was simply ignoring her...

i am struggling with all the dark emotions that threaten to destroy all she taught me. i must not forget that she showed me that love is not a part of times long past. the anger and jealousy i feel when i see her trying living a life of her own.. most of the time i wish her a beautiful and magic life, when calm and reasonable i understand that those destructive feelings are only a part of my grieving. but i am so afraid they will eventually block the dearest memories of her.

she changed my life, more than she will ever understand. she even managed to make the pain of losing her to something beautiful and enriching. i have not lost the ability to love, even if i cannot see myself holding another woman in my arms for some time.
we have spoken a couple of times since our break-up. she is friendly, i am afraid she has bad conscience about how she handled it. for no reason, really.

i wish i could help her through this, i know she misses our conversations. maybe i am selfish, only wanting to relive my own suffering. but i fear that my feelings grow stronger and darker if we talk. i do not want her to see me like that, losing my self-respect, behaving like a travesty of a rejected lover. i want so badly to be her friend, i love her mind, her poetry, art and music.. but love is tearing us apart. if i don't come over her soon, our friendship will be lost too..
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