i deleted her from my icq list. again. this time not in anger or distress. if i only cleaned my apartment as often as my list.. she has been reading this journal. i wanted her too, i still consider her one of my friends, even if we don't talk for the moment. i wonder if she was offended by the contents, seeing somebody she loved in this awkward state of self-pity must be filling her with disgust. it would have been more honest of her if she told me so.
i do not really like myself at present. i feel weak and vulnerable. but i have realized that it is the price i have to pay for retaining my ability to feel. going back to cynicism and indifference is tempting, i admit, and i have made small excursions in that direction. but it is out of the question. i would rather stay skinless and ridiculous in my sorrow than make a black hole in my soul denying the pain. it takes much more strength and courage but it is inevitable if i want to keep my ability to stay in touch with my soul.
this time i will let the pain have its way. i will not be this cynical, sarcastic prick again.