.kuba (lotophagous) wrote,
.kuba
lotophagous

  • Mood:
last night i spent at work, drudging to 6 am. i like the state sleep deprivation puts me in. even if thinking almost hurts, my emotions become easier to handle and dreams that come to me when i finally fall asleep are usually delightful. not this time though. i woke up after a couple of hours, with all my feelings painfully naked, longing to be restrained by my logical mind. after that only nightmares would come to me, one of them about me buying prada shirts.

i deleted her from my icq list. again. this time not in anger or distress. if i only cleaned my apartment as often as my list.. she has been reading this journal. i wanted her too, i still consider her one of my friends, even if we don't talk for the moment. i wonder if she was offended by the contents, seeing somebody she loved in this awkward state of self-pity must be filling her with disgust. it would have been more honest of her if she told me so.

i do not really like myself at present. i feel weak and vulnerable. but i have realized that it is the price i have to pay for retaining my ability to feel. going back to cynicism and indifference is tempting, i admit, and i have made small excursions in that direction. but it is out of the question. i would rather stay skinless and ridiculous in my sorrow than make a black hole in my soul denying the pain. it takes much more strength and courage but it is inevitable if i want to keep my ability to stay in touch with my soul.

this time i will let the pain have its way. i will not be this cynical, sarcastic prick again.
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