.kuba (lotophagous) wrote,

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i got a glimpse of the life that i could've had if i only had made other choices, shown more courage. a momentary insight through a dusty window pane across the street. for a while it was reachable, real but those old demons have faithfully followed me all this time. i should have understood long time ago that there are dreams that i'm not entitled to, simply because i demand too much. but there is no other way. i can't betray myself trying to accept facts of life that conflict with my needs and ideals, it would be too dangerous to me and people involved. if the reality isn't like i want it, fuck it. i won't adjust myself. i may die lonely and missed by no-one but i can't submit.

it's time to return to the void. maybe i will be given another chance. but i doubt if i will take it, recovery is going to take a couple of years, it always does. i have no more power to fight. i ackowledge my defeat. i chose to believe in my illusions, despite advice from friends much wiser than me. but still i don't envy them their lives. i won't compromise even if it's going to totally fuck up the rest of my pitiful little life.

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