.kuba (lotophagous) wrote,

  • Mood:
i've been irritated lately. with everybody around me, people i love, people i dislike (not entirely a bsd thing, i tend to be too nice to those people, sometimes they need to feel my wrath) and even people i'm indifferent to. i've become slightly paranoid, i see disrespect and contempt where there are none, making a fool of myself when i remark on that. probably it's a sign of bad self-confidence, a need of reassurance.

but i've also been isolating myself for the last month. i don't seem to need other people's company, or rather interacting with them. i do that sometimes, badly needing solitude to stop the word rushing outside. the fact that i feel betrayed by one of my closest friends who couldn't keep her mouth shut (but she could encourage another person to conceal important facts for me) doesn't make my social urges stronger.

maybe i should stop talking to people (and that includes everybody, both on he net and irl) for a while, get really bored with myself and return to the society once i feel harmonious. which isn't very easy, i still have to work, but i can bury myself in work at the office. i should also use that time or spiritual and philosophcal studies, let art and beauty into my life more than i've been doing lately. it's not that i'm unhappy or depressed or lack meaning, i think i just have to focus on those things that are important in my life and that don't require other people's approval or support. until then i'd better hide in my den.

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